Israel adding Palestine on Facebook turns sour

With social media technologies uniting the global community many held hope for the resolution of the Arab-Israeli conflict via Facebook. Sadly, the day that Israel added Palestine on Facebook has been black-marked by the abuse that followed.

Last Friday, the Israeli Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu agreed to add Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas on Facebook, but the leader then proceeded to scrawl profanities across Mr Abbas’ wall. Israeli President Shimon Peres later logged onto update his Facebook status with “Nuffin 2 do wit me : ( “.

The exchange has only served to inflame current tensions with Haaretz calling the social networking snafu a “proper tits up effort”. Mr Netanyahu appears to have undone any ground that may have been made through painstaking negotiations, particularly with the crude cock and balls drawing which he scribbled via Mr Abbas’ Graffiti app. Several private Facebook albums of Mr Abbas’ have also been sabotaged with several of his family members tagged as “Bearded Ladyman”, “Titty Fuckwits” and “Gaylord Teabagger”.

News of the furore has even awakened the notoriously private Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg who commented from his underpants at his ranch in Palo Alto: “Gee…I mean, I never wanted a Facebook wall to be the new Gaza Strip. Can’t they just go a few rounds of Bejeweled Blitz and see who’s the top scorer?”

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Cushion Cartel: 90 percent of housewives’ cushions found to contain drugs

An undercover investigation has found that the vast majority of innocuous scatter cushions are stuffed to the zipper with illegal drugs. Housewives across the country are being questioned after what has been termed “a cackload of drugs” were found hidden in decorative cushions.

The street value of the present haul has yet to be calculated, but with highly addictive drugs such as crack concealed in tassel cushions and heroin secreted in bolster pillows, it is thought to be in the billions with over 90 percent of housewives’ cushions containing hidden stashes. Police speculate that years of co-ordinating curtains with tiebacks has allowed the smugglers to detract visitors from close cushion scrutiny. Sources believe that this means of drug trafficking has been going strong for years aided by the use of room fragrances such as air fresheners and aromatherapy candles to throw sniffer dogs off the scent.

After months of surveillance, officers carried out early morning raids on homes in the Cheshire, Suffolk and Durham areas which were seen to represent significant strongholds for the smuggling with the hope of catching suspects without their make-up on. According to reports, police teams smashed through locked doors without a struggle before removing their shoes in the hallway and locating the stash.

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Youth offenders to get a jolly good birching

Guards at youth offenders institutes will soon be teaching young dogs old tricks, by fetching them the stick. After years of pathetic punitive measures, unruly young inmates will finally feel the keen whip of justice on their buttocks as birching is reinstated.

Old school punishment tactics are to replace former measures for all UK young offenders and many chief wardens have expressed nothing short of relish at the prospect of dishing out a good twiggy lashing. Birch rods will be given out along with instructional DVDs and new training programmes will teach institute staff the correct grip and technique in order to achieve real purchase.

Largely absent as a form of justice since before the 20th century, birching has received something of a bad rep. Birching enthusiasts, or “Thrashers” as they are known, have lobbied for the return of their favourite corporal punishment with pamphleteers taking to the streets and several volunteer groups touring local shopping centres to give demonstrations.

Pauline Grahams is president of the Pro-Birching Association and has been instrumental in reinstating the practice with her ‘Nothing Beats Birching’ campaign and ‘Stick At It’ promotional website. The punishment subsequently rose in recent opinion polls and managed to secure a spot in a recent popularity survey above guillotining and Antony Worrall Thompson.

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Texting teenagers to have thumbs confiscated

Irksome teens insistent on texting every waking hour of the day are to have their thumbs confiscated until they are responsible enough to use them. The government have raised a few eyebrows with their so-called ‘Thumb War’ but are confident that forcing teenagers to forfeit their thumbs is the short cut to reducing pesky deliquencies.

Mothers across the country have welcomed the new law which will ensure that key-pad tapping thumbs will be escorted to the nearest butcher-come-deli counter to be severed and placed in ice storage until adulthood. Additional benefits to seizing unruly digits is the inability to hold game controllers, thus encouraging the unattractively obese to resort to sports.

Thumb-free adolescents will also be enrolled in the ‘Get a Grip!’ programme which will combine practical group activities with similar yet indistinguishable unpaid labour.

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Beer drinkers who choose glasses over bottles to be denied asylum

Asylum seekers who would rather sip tepid beer from a glass than drink directly from a chilled, sanitised bottle are to be refused entry to the country under strict new immigration laws.

The UK Border Agency will be looking to separate people deemed to be “social degenerates” and “general sissies” under tight restrictions to be introduced next month.

Refugees and other immigrants seeking to make a life in the United Kingdom will be subjected to further questioning designed by think tank experts to reduce the numbers of illogical pedants gaining entry to the country. A government official has passed comment on the controversial new policies:

“Our borders are the bottle neck, so to speak, and in addition to keeping our borders tightly controlled immigration will be working hard to ensure that our nights out aren’t ruined by the inconsiderate clutter of additional glasses on our nation’s tables. One only needs to think of that pub table as a microcosm of Britain’s immigration policies as a whole – the subservient accommodation of excessive glassware in order to avoid a pool cue to the face – to see that things need to change.”

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E.coli vegetables were “gunning for Paltrow”

The recent E.coli outbreak has been attributed to a plot amongst vegetables to claim the life of actress-turned-irritant Gwyneth Paltrow. Unsent ransom notes were unearthed in an abandoned greenhouse in Leipzig demanding the head of Paltrow in return for halting the spread of deadly E.coli. Evidence thus far suggests that a guerrilla gang of vegetables were targeting the actress who is a prominent figurehead of the raw food movement.

Meanwhile, an investigation centred on Paltrow and husband Chris Martin’s home found corn fibres on the hallway carpet suggesting an attempted break-in. Far from being an incidental spread of a naturally occurring bacterium, the E.coli snafu is thought to be part of a sustained hate campaign by vegetables against Paltrow. During her time in the public eye, the Oscar winner has understandably been pelted with rotten fruit and vegetables. This was always thought to have been the work of disgruntled paparazzi or deluded stalkers, but it has now been assumed that the foods were willingly throwing themselves at her.

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BBC News reporters cryogenically reanimated every day before work

A TV runner who took the wrong turning in the BBC news vaults has stumbled across a cryogenic lab full of news reporters. Claire Fryer, a 23 year-old television intern from Basingstoke, was aghast at the macabre discovery that all the news presenters are in fact dead and remain frozen in storage until required on set.

Among the frozen cadavers are familiar faces such as Nicholas Owen, Huw Edwards and Joanna Gosling, who all remain gawping and lifeless in their storage tubes. A report has found that the BBC are legally within their rights to employ dead news presenters, although how they all came to be dead is a cause for concern.

A spokesperson for BBC News has reassured the public that news reporters are thoroughly defrosted before work and all are stored fully clothed to preserve their modesty along with their gradually zombifying flesh. They also clarified that Jonathan Ross is not a reanimated corpse, as suspected by thousands of viewers.

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